Growing up with my physical disability, I often needed accommodations in some way, whether it be getting dropped off at the front of a store so I wouldn’t have to walk from the parking garage or putting my wheelchair in a friend’s car to go to coffee with them and it took up there back seat or truck space. When I would be outside and needed to catch my breath or sit for a minute because my knees were tired, I would feel like I was stopping everyone from continuing, and my automatic response was saying, sorry.
I know the people around me didn’t mind, but in my heart, I still took it as a burden mentality for years. I began feeling wrong about what I could not change about myself, and instead of accepting, I would continuously say sorry and sometimes feel ashamed. It wasn’t until years later, when I was getting to know my sister-in-law Lindsay, that she spoke words of true bluntness and honesty into my life, even before she was engaged to my brother! We were going somewhere together, and she asked if I needed my wheelchair, and I said yes. After saying yes, I followed my sentence with “sorry.” She shrugged and said, ” Kayla, that’s fine. Stop saying sorry!” We laughed after she said it, and once we got in the car, she followed up with a question.
Why do you apologize for needing your wheelchair? I told her I knew it was heavy and that it took extra time to put it in the car and unload it when we arrived at our destination. It was such a short errand we were running it would have been easier to ride with her in the car for the hangout time, and she could Facetime me in the store what I wanted or needed. She listened to my reasoning and responded in this beautiful way.
Kayla, you are not a burden, and I’ve never seen your wheelchair as a hassle to get in and out of places. If this is what you need to feel independent and go places, then that’s what we will do. Stop saying sorry around me. I’ve got this!
That car ride conversation has stuck with me, and ever since, I have practiced and embraced my need that, yes, it would be easier not to have, but it shouldn’t stop me or anyone else from doing what we love to do together. Instead of saying sorry, I have turned it into gratitude and teaching others how to make it feel less awkward to help and transfer what I need. I can’t say that sometimes, in my heart, I still occasionally feel bad, but the people around me continue to amaze me, and I desire to learn and know more about how to help without it feeling belittling.
Now I get a kick out of some friends because when I offer to fold up my wheelchair or lift it into their trunks, they tell me to let them do it and get all “offended” (Jokingly) when I do it before them! They get all proud when they unload it right, put the cushion back on the right way, and then sometimes ask if they do it better than my siblings! So competitive, my friends! Our pride is often hurt when we have to ask for help if we are being honest. If being disabled wasn’t hard enough, now I have to outwardly ask for assistance from people I admire and want to be friends with. How much weaker will I look if I ask for help?
All those thoughts will only lead you to a deeper and darker mindset, which is what the enemy wants you to believe. It isolates us and can take us to a lonely place you do not need to be. Asking for help is hard for everyone able and disabled, and we need to start asking for help, not a helpless mindset but one that shows that yes, I need help in this, but I am capable and able to do so much more even though my body cannot help me.
So STOP saying Sorry!
Embrace the Help.
Teach others through your asking how to also ask for help.
Refrain from letting pride set in or stubbornness cloud your experience.
You are more than the help needed.
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