This month, I’ve been so incredibly grateful. February will always have a unique yet not-so-special place in my heart. Three years ago, I had a massive surgery that caused permitted scarring, months of recovery, and halfway through what I thought would be the light at the end of a long tunnel, I had to undergo another surgery to correct what the first surgery caused. It took a full year of my life to get back to my routine and my physical strength and mental capacity. It will be a year I will never forget, and so many thoughts and stories have come from it that I can now share with others. Still, one is near and dear to my heart that in this post, I wanted to share with girls out there who have felt that they have perminate scarring on their bodies, and even with it fading throughout time, it feels like a marking that you didn’t ask for but is now forever on you.
So often, as someone who has had surgery we f, we feel the need to cover up those scars not just because oftentimes they are not attractive looking but because they show people what you have been through. Maybe you feel the stares when you wear a pair of shorts in the summer because you’ve had leg surgery, or perhaps you have to carry around a medical device that leaves your tubes hanging outside your clothing, which makes people wonder why she is connected to these tubes. In our minds, all others see are scars, and we cover them up. I would not wear skirts or shorts for years, even in the summertime, no matter the temptation. I was ashamed of what they looked like. My knees beat up from crawling around or messing around with three brothers. My legs showed the surgery scars that put my back together, but because of how massive the scarring was, I didn’t want that to become a topic for other girls to ask about. That’s not who I am!
Staring at myself in the mirror after my abdominal surgery was one of my lowest moments a couple of years ago. It was a spot on my body that surgeons hadn’t touched, and I was proud to have smooth, beautiful skin, but after my surgery, I was left with one that went all the way down to my bottom. It was huge then, and even wearing sports bras didn’t help cover it up. My confidence felt shattered, and getting dressed in the morning was a race to ensure I didn’t have to look at it long. One night, while preparing for bed, I looked at myself and removed the layer covering up my scar. At that moment, it felt like Jesus was standing right behind me and looking at it with me. He started to speak, and I began to cry, knowing that He was going to make all things right, and even if I needed that encouragement for a while, He was going to say the right thing every time. This time, He said, “Why do you cover up what I created beautiful?” I stood there for a long time looking at the scar that seemed like the most significant and ugliest thing in my life at the time, and my mind refused to believe that I could exempt that scar from being beautiful to Jesus, to myself, or to someone someday to think to be attractive to him.
My immediate thoughts and reaction to His steadfast and truthful words were not ones of immediate acceptance but of anger. “Why would you butcher me like this? How much more can you take from me? How much more must I accept? Why can’t I be beautiful without these scars? My heart was not ready for His kindness, and although I pushed Jesus away at that moment, it is a moment I’ve never forgotten. The words have never left my mind. I wish I could say that night ended peacefully and that I fully believed He was a good father, but it took much longer than that and a lot more weeping moments with hot, angry tears. It took counseling and words from friends and family to help me see that I would get through the bitterness and shame of my body, feeling exposed to more questions and feeling “less than” when I saw women’s “perfect bodies.”
Sometimes, we need time to process.
Sometimes, it takes time to believe and trust in God fully again after a scary moment, whether physical or emotional.
Sometimes, it takes support from others to begin trusting again in what used to be and accepting what is now.
After about two years of struggling with my scar, I now have a new perspective, although the memories are still there. When I think of the question Jesus asked me at that moment, it was never supposed to be the quick fix that made all things right but a question deeper than my physical scar, although that is where it applied then.
“Why are you covering up what I created beautiful?”
Why do I need to cover up my physical scars? Do I do it because of shame or awkwardness? Or do I live with them knowing their full story and choose to share with others my most profound moments so that it can encourage others? Instead of looking at myself in the mirror and thinking this is ugly or a mistake, I can look in the mirror and say, “I beat that, and I’ll do it again!”
Why do I need to cover up my emotional scars? Is it because it makes me look weak? Or do I believe that God created my emotions and that He would rather me be honest with Him and work things out instead of lying to myself and saying everything ok? Did He not cry out in the garden right before his crucifixion, confront His heavenly father, and say, “Let there be another way; let this cup pass from me!” Do you think He was saying that willingly and lovingly? No, He was human at that moment, angry, frustrated, and afraid of what would come. So, if Jesus can cry out from His hurts, then I can certainly come to Him and be truthful.
So, for my readers, after all I’ve shared about how I covered up for years, here’s my reality. My scar is still there. When I try on clothing or bras, I look into the mirror now and see that although it has not physically changed, I am different, and I believe that this is the scar that makes me know that I am still gorgeous. Jesus created me just as I am, and He knew this would be a hurdle in my path, but He guided me through it. My emotions towards it can still be a back-and-forth struggle, but if I doubt what He told me is beautiful, I see the enemy trying to pick at something he has already lost. Reinforcing that I am not covering up my scar anymore, and I declare that what He created is beautiful, even if it’s not what I would have picked.
So readers, What are you covering up that He created beautifully?
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