I prayed that I would have determination for several things in my life like my physical health, nutrition, and my weight. I prayed that I would have a determined mind as I went into my second semester of bible college to stay sharp, connected, and do well in grades. I prayed to stay determined in staying involved with new friends, family, and beginning in a new church with children’s ministry. All things that I knew I would have to make a drastic change too to stay determined to change my lifestyle… But the one thing I didn’t directly pray for was the one thing the Lord wanted above all other “fleshly” desired that I made in my sparkly 2020 calendar.
My set aside time with Him…
Why didn’t I pray for that?
Did I think I had it all together?
Was I so confident that I would make it a priority in my mind that I didn’t even ask how spiritually our relationship was?
Was the Holy Spirit even involved with my decision?
Wow… Big Questions
When I think about my story I can clearly see how God has been apart of my life in big moments and moments that maybe I didn’t want to remember but He came through because of how broken it was. These moments stand out in our memories because God showed himself show clearly. But what about the moments where they are either not so clear or maybe they were clear but we push them to the side?
Sometimes our own determination blind us from what God is trying to tell us or for us to do to get to that spot. When we only think about the big moments we often loose sight of the small details He has been weaving together to make that moment happen.
In 2018 the Lord moved me in a big way and its something I will always remember. My determination to make this new adventure/dream work because it was like an answer to prayer that had been built up for years. Moving to a new state, lead teaching in a church preschool, living near my family, and most importantly starting a independent life without boundaries! When that summer happened it changed from a high moment in my life to a very dark low one. All the things I listed began to crumble under my feet and the only thing that kept me afloat was my relationship with Jesus. Those lonely days and nights became the times he came to me. I was angry but I had no one else to turn to but him.
That was a big moment.
Moving back home was the start to the little things coming to play. I stayed angry, fearful, and frustrated at what had happened to me. I couldn’t totally put the blame on God, but why would He make all this happen and give me so much determination to only put me in a worse place? He taught me throughout the course of a year that it wasn’t meant to be my forever dream or the thing I needed to rely on. He had to bring me back to bring me back to Him even though it was a dream that He would one year later He would make come true just in a different way. I would move again, teach again, live near family again, and most importantly stretch me beyond the boundaries I had created. He had to take away everything I “knew” to become “renewed” and that’s where the real determination would come. To rebuild take determination and digging up old roots. Old ways won’t open new doors. That is what He would have to teach me and that’s what I would have to decide to trust him in. So, I started over and began trying to figure out new ways to stay determined to learn new ways.
Today I am still learning what it truly means to discern and what to pursue with true determination. How God has a big part in the little things that are not a big position, title, and or a sought after dream, but to slow down and reflect on where I am. To be reminded that He is center and constantly wanting to reveal what He has for us. Don’t let your own determined dream become first but allow God to move through that determination and have Him set those times, goals, and dreams.
We all think we can prove something but allow God to prove something to you.
Be open, Be still , Listen ,Go to His word, and put your determined heart in His hands.
It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is not help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. (John 6:63)
Proverbs 16:3 Hebrews 4:12 Matthew 4:4 Ephesians 3:20
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