Steadfast Identity

Growing up I can say that I have had more than one occasion that I had to learn to embrace a lot of trial and error when it came to my Orthopedic appointments. An Orthopedic doctor is someone who specializes in the musculoskeletal system. With Spina Bifida (Spinal Cord Defect) it can affect everyone differently and mine specifically impacts my mobility from the waist down which causes me to have nerve and muscle atrophy which causes muscles to degenerate or not activate properly causes spotty sensation below the knees. Wow, that was a lot of medical knowledge! Ever since I can remember I had AFO’s… what is an AFO you ask, I’m glad you wanna know! “An AFO is a device that is used to control instabilities in the lower limb by maintaining proper alignment and controlling motion.” in a less medial term a leg brace that goes from your shin bone down to your foot to help stabilize your range of motion and in my case help me stand balanced and confidently, but let me tell you there is no fast, easy, or one size fits all kinda brace!

Every appointment brought something new maybe it was casting me for a brand new pair because I wore mine out or cracked them because I wouldn’t allow myself not to walk or play with my brothers Maybe the appointment is that it has been giving me trouble so we must try a lift or thinker straps and the list goes on and one. Some of you can relate! You would think this could be kinda fun because it’s like having custom shoes, and there were days I felt so good after an appointment because I finally felt steadfast and comfortable standing up straight in front of people, and of course, there were days that I just hated them because they gave me sores or that they got so hot to wear in the summer but in order to be outside you have to wear them. I learned a lot about trusting God in those trial and error moments and learning to embrace the brace because the brace shortly became one of my biggest struggles of identity. I think we can all identify with insecurities and how we can point out things we dislike or would rather hide from the world as women, but today I want to specifically talk about Embracing your “disability” and making it one of the best-told stories that helped you become stronger in your identity.

Let’s be honest, oftentimes we do not see ourselves as God see’s us and that can be in any category in our life. Every girl including me goes through a time in life where we feel like there is something “wrong” with us or that we need to “change” something to be “normal” or excepted. When I was thirteen I can remember the many times I was pointed at or stared at because of the way I walked. People and teenagers my age would outwardly ask me, “Why do you walk like that… or why are you wearing those shoes?” They would only see me as the girl with leg braces or as the disabled funny walking girl at the youth group. For years I didn’t wear shorts in the summer because I was so embarrassed and ashamed of my AFO’s. It didn’t matter how hot it got or if we were doing an outdoor activity because if someone said something it would feel like a stab to the heart. My image was based on options, judgmental looks, and the reality that I couldn’t change my circumstance even if I tired and because of experiences and feelings I quickly fell into believing I was worthless. I can’t even count the times I cried in my bathroom feeling completely shattered and alone. These moments I write so honestly with you because I know that’s what many of us are walking through even now, but this is not how God wrote my story because even when I didn’t feel God near or even surrender it to him like we “should” know to do but He was near to me and allowing me to cry but He didn’t allow me to give up! He began to speak to me through sermons, alone time in silence, loving small group leaders and pastors who called me higher and encouraged me that although my route in life would be different there wasn’t any I couldn’t at least try. I began to listen to those words of wisdom and truth rather than allow options and comments that had kept a broken belief alive in me for much too long. Remember the word “Steadfast” I used earlier? Well, Isaiah 26:3-4 reads “ You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself is the Rock eternal.”

If we can learn to embrace who God made us be internally (Spiritually through the Holy Spirit) and externally (Physical Limitations) then I truly believe we can trust that He will keep us steadfast in both ways. Steadfastness means to know that you are braced, supported, upheld just like my AFO was doing for me to continue walking, and if we believe that God can do that for us then we know that even if we fall or something changes that he got us. When getting a new leg brace you don’t know how it will feel or look and putting it on for the first time is quite the experience but the picture I get when I think of Jesus supporting me and upholding me is when I’m walking for the first time on a new brace and I’m holding onto these two ballet bars and taking step by step not knowing what will shake me or if I’ll fall flat on my face, but that’s also how trusting God with our identity is like! Do you trust God to keep you steadfast? Do you believe him when He says you are beautiful and that you have something to share with others through your disability? When those lies come again and tell you worthless do you believe those opinions or truth? Letting go of those ballet bars is the scariest part but the first step to trusting that brace to hold you up, but once I start practicing, consistently walking, and then doing the everyday task of putting them on in the morning it became effortless… When we begin practicing being in His word and speaking the truth it gets a little easier, and when we consistently show others that God has a purpose for us they no longer see a fragile disabled person but a bold fighter, and one of the best feelings I get to share is that effortlessly does take time but it is possible through Him who gives you the straight to do it.

He provides perfect peace, hearts, and minds that are steadfast, and understanding that we have the privilege to share with others what God did and can do for them. Lisa Terkeust explains thoughts this way…

“Old patterns of thoughts must be torn out, and a new way of looking at the core of who I am using God’s truth has to be put into place.” (Lysa Terkeust Quote)

Every day I put my AFO on my right foot and just recently adapting to a new brace on my left leg called a KFO which goes above my knee which could have felt like a setback and that defiantly crossed my mind but I am reminded that I know my God keeps me steadfast physically and spiritually. His words of truth break the barrier of any negative thoughts I could have about myself when I put these on daily, but my identity is not my circumstances, my limitations, my diagnoses, and or even my reality ahead of me that these will be a part of my life journey but to have the peace and knowledge that if I can change the stereotype or the fear behind them for others than I am doing more than being encouraging to others who might have these similar situations but to embrace the identity that can only be found in Jesus.

Embrace Your Steadfast Identity